Why.

I honestly have to ask -- WHY did Elementary school even bother teaching everyone cursive? They told us all, "You need to learn it because you will use it later in life." When? When exactly is that? I use print. I write each letter as an individual, and so do most people I know. Why do we do this? Well, one, its readable. Every time I get a letter in the mail from my either of my grandma's, its in cursive. The letter will take me more or less 10 minutes to decipher. They're never even that long. I hate reading cursive. I have to squint, re read things over and over again, try and figure out is that a T or and L? Is it and E or and R? Come on. I just despise it. If its written nice, it can be beautiful! But the majority of the time, its sloppy, fast, and smudgy. I cannot read it. Elementary school lied to us all. Think about that. It hurts doesn't it. I spent far too much time perfecting my uppercase G's than I needed to. FAR TOO MUCH TIME. 


Curses.

Owch.

So really, after examining my x ray a little closer, the docs determined that no, my femur was not broken at all! Instead, my kneecap is broken! The bottom of it, the part that fits between my two other bones, got sheared off, and would need surgery to fix. Two days ago, I went in for surgery. They had to screw the kneecap back together, which involved rolling my kneecap out to do so. That is SO gross! Every bit of the surgery was painful. Even the part where I had to get knocked out. Of course, when I was knocked out it didn't hurt, but getting knocked out hurt, waking up hurt, (I woke up hyperventilating! Who even does that?) So now I'm sitting at home, trying to recover. The pain is awful, but its supposed to get better today. Taking a shower is nearly impossible cause we don't have a bag or rubberband big enough to cover my entire leg. So its kinda difficult, but a shower is nessicary. I feel so gross. Uhg.

Broken?

So, two nights ago I was at a fantastic birthday party, and everyone was dancing to music, and it was so funny and just awesome. I was doing the movie where its like you're pulling something and walking in place but raising your knee up and putting it back down with a lot of force. Out of absolutely NO WHERE my knee just gives out. I can feel it go 'pop, pop, pop' three times. Immediately I crumple to the ground. Then I feel it pop back. And the pain is awful. Not at first, but it builds up. And fast too. Nobody really saw what happened at first, and no one thought anything had happened, so I just tried to crawl on the couch. It was so gross, by straightening my leg all the way to where it would 'lock,' I could feel it pop. It was nasty. I am very squeamish. My best friend Kaitlin's brother Jake, was sitting on the other side of the couch and saw me tearing up and holding my knee. Kaitlin saw too. I personally find it kind of funny that the kids noticed something was wrong before any adults. So Jake goes and gets me a massive bag of ice (Like, bigger than my head massive, and I don't exactly have a small head) and Kaitlin is comforting me also. So the host sees that something is wrong, and gets his friend who has some medical experience with bones. He feels my knee, and let me tell you, it was so swollen and fat. You couldn't see it cause I was wearing jeans, but you sure could feel it. So we thought that I dislocated it, but it just went back into place, and the pain I was feeling was swollen bubbles under the skin, and by flexing and pulling back my leg, I could pop these bubbles. The popping I kept feeling when I extended my knee was actually bubble popping said the doctor guy. I was so relieved to know that nothing was too wrong. But boy did those bubbles under there hurt! So eventually KP loaded me into her car and Kaitlin, Jake, Joshua, me, and KP all went home. I gimped over to the couch, we elevated my knee, and put more ice on it. I fell asleep pretty fast, but I left the ice on when I fell asleep. I woke up around 1:30 and had to gimp over to the bathroom, get out of jeans, and into shorts. I was amazed to actually see my knee. This thing was HUGE. It made my other knee look like a little toothpick next to a redwood tree. It was amazingly huge. So I got back to the couch, put the ice on, and fell asleep again. I woke up again at 4 and my leg felt on FIRE. Not from my actual knee, but the skin did. It was burning! I took the ice off and turns out, by leaving ice on for hours on end on bare skin, you get an ice burn. Its so cold that it burns. And you can't escape it when you can't walk to get anything, and everyone else in the house is asleep. So, I just try and ignore it. Eventually I fall asleep again, and don't wake up till about 8. I go to the doctors at 9, and surprisingly, we didn't have to wait that long. We got into a room within 10 minutes, and I get to sit in the wheelchair I always wanted to be in! Only, then I wished that I could be anywhere BUT that wheelchair. So we get into the little room, and I get these really nice nurses and doctors and x ray ladies, and so it just made the experience better. So they were feeling my knee, and seeing if they could tell what had happened just by feeing. Eventually I went to get an x ray, but it hurt and grossed me out to extend my leg all the way, so they gave me a shot in my butt that would make it so I wouldn't feel the extension as much. The shot made everything loopy and move in slow motion. My eyes moved to look at something, but the rest of the scene had to catch up. So I went to the x ray room, and we took some x rays, and the lady was stern, but there was a sense of humor there so that was good. Later, after the doctors had examined the x rays, they came in and told us what had been going on. Now remember what I mentioned up above farther. I am a very squeamish person. VERY. So they start telling me "oh yeah, so you dislocated your kneecap, and it went allllll the way over there, and on its way back to where its supposed to be, it broke the end of your femur off and now that piece of bone is just floating iin there and your kneecap didn't make it all the way back to your knee." Picture me. According to my mom, my face just drained of all color 'till it was pasty. I felt so sick. And I started seeing black spots and I was about to pass out. To the point where the nurses had to put cool paper towels on my neck and forehead and I had to put my head between my knees. It was so weird! So eventually I felt good enough to get out of my wheelchair and onto the examining table. I put in my headphones to my iPod so that I wouldn't hear anymore gross doctor talk. They put a little shot in my knee to numb it before the big huge shot. That made it much better. Then the doctor popped my kneecap into place completely. Well, almost completely. I still can sometimes feel it pop a teensy bit, and that is absolutely disgusting. But that is only if I lock it. So I avoid that. Then they ace bandage me up, and put on a GIGANTIC leg brace/splint. It goes from just above my ankle, to half way up my thigh. Its huge. It keeps my knee from bending. So that the kneecap stays there and heals back in there. No wonder my knee hurt so bad that night. I broke it. Who breaks their knee? Only I could do that. By dancing, a harmless dance. I wasn't even twisting my legs or anything! It just randomly gave out. It was so weird! I felt bad, like a total party pooper. And then asking for so many things since I couldn't get up to do them myself. See, I am not the most flexible (not physically, but like mentally) person, and I'm very independent and don't like it when people are constantly doing things for me. I just end up feeling really bad! I think that I broke my knee so that I could learn to actually let people help me, and to learn to be more flexible. This is going to be a long few months. I'm just SO glad that this is starting right before the school year. Right before ski season (it starts in like 3 or 4 months) and if I'm lucky I will heal before that. I won't get to swim anymore this summer. Or bike. Or even walk. I got what I always wanted. Crutches. I don't want them anymore. Also, why do I always break the biggest bones in my body? Last time it was my Humorous (that big bone in your upper arm) and now my femur (that big bone in your upper leg)! This is ridiculous!

Puke.

So yesterday, I was downtown with my friend Nicole, and we were having a swell time! We were walking and talking and decided to go to Cuppa Yo, which is a frozen yogurt shop that is freakin' delicious, and so we walked the long, sweltering hot walk there. Now I know that I was probably getting pretty dehydrated in the hot sun, and wasn't thinking about it then. So then, I had already eaten a HUGE lunch that day. A avacado/chicken sandwich, a bowl of instant oatmeal, and a bagel and a piece of chocolate so I was already freakin' bloated. So then we get to Cuppa Yo, and I can't resist so I get this HUGE thing of FroYo and cover it in toppings of snickers, and heath bar, and strawberries, and rasberries, and chocolate syrup. And I eat ALL of it. And it was BIG. So then we walk all the way BACK to downtown, and I am so full, like its painfully full, and I just kinda wanna throw up so I would feel better, but also not cause barfing is like the thing I am scared of most in the whole world. So we walk through downtown, and get a big thing of water, which I chugged far too fast, and made it all worse. Then I start getting that feeling where you know that you are going to probably throw up, and you feel the sweatyness on your face and you get overly hot, and dizzy, and light headed, and super nauseous, (spelling?!) and knew, I was going to barf. So I'm in the middle of downtown, and I get up real fast and go lean over a tree cause I feel it, and I do a few dry heaves, but nothing come up, and this guy walks past and says "gee, I didn't think I was THAT ugly!" and I didn't hear him but Nicole did. I sure hope he said it jokingly! So I am like FREAKING OUT cause like I said, I HATE barfing with a fiery passion.

So then I finally get my strength back enough to try and stumble to the garbage can on the end of the block. Im like 7 feet away from it and a few big dry heaves come and I cover my mouth with my hand cause I think its about to come up, and some people walking by were like, "uh oh! you can make it!" and like trying to be all supportive. Then I am leaning over the trash can, but nothings coming up, and I am starting to feel a little better, and a girl from my school walks by and says, "Its alright! Everything is gonna be alright!" kinda jokingly like shes trying to make me feel better, and I yell back, "I'll be alright! I just ate way too much!" but the yelling does me no good so I let my head drop back to the garbage. But nothings coming out. Just burps. Lots of them. Finally I feel like I'm not gonna puke, and I sit down against against a tree and try to get my mind to stop spinning, and all the while my friend is just kinda standing there like, "uhh this is so embarrasing.. what am I supposed to do! ahh...!" and I felt so bad! Good grief it was SO embarrasing!! Uhg! Ha ha but it makes a fantastic memory! HAHAHAAHAHA! Stupid food.

Ever So Confused!

I whip out my phone.
I must tell my friend that something funny has happened.
I scan through my contacts until i reach the name i need.
I press the button.
I begin to type out my message.
But then I remember,
What happened yesterday.
At the mountain.
That awkward conversation.
Just normally talking.
Then a statement that hurt.
Not a bad pain.
Just like a tiny sliver that sticks out.
But its enough to hurt,
When it is sent by one of your best friends.
The conversation just ends with,
"Oh thats unfortunate for you."
"Yepp."
"Sorry about that."
"Yeah..."
And it ends there.
Now its today.
I text her.
But theres no response.
Later i try again.
Nothing.
Again?
Zip.
Eventually I confront the problem striaght up.
But that is after people are telling me that they have been texting back and forth.
Still nothing.
Is her phone dead?
Am I being ignored?
Why is there this tension between friends?
Oh please not again.
I could not go through this again.
Not after the Fall and Winter.
Back home things arent any better.
I go back next weekend.
But I dont know who I will see.
I know I will see the people.
But I don't know if I will really see them, or just shadows of what they were.
Its all changed.
Its all different.
I doesn't need to be.
But one bad choice changed it all.
I am out of the loop.
At the sleepovers.
They converse about people who i have never heard of.
At their school.
And I try and tell them about my friends, that they have never met.
Its like an invisible wall blockaded between us.
We can only really talk about past memories.
And memories can run out.
We can just keep talking about them.
But nothing new has happened.
And now bad memories are attacking and slaughtering the good ones.
Because of that one single bad choice.
Everything will be different when I go back.
And school tomorrow.
How will i confront my friend.
Who hasn't responded.
That doesn't make them a bad person.
No, not at all.
It just leaves me wondering.
What have I done?
I don't recall saying anything offensive.
Am I just too immature for her taste?
Since when was there a race?
Does she want to get wrinkles first?
Too me, i would pass.
I dont see the rush to grow up.
I think.
And think.
But I cant think of anything that i have done.
So i sit in silence.
Staring at my phone.
Nothing.